Negative Thoughts, Stoicism and Negating Positivity

Too much. Enough. Positivity is great!! But don't we sometimes need empathy or reality instead? It's a notion that went out the window for a while, but I think people are ready to bring it back.

There is a lot of focus on not getting emotional these days. Social media pretty much insists that we put on our happy faces and smile in a few words of scrollable presentability. Antisocial media is more like it. The messages are mostly positive, with a focus on beautiful photos and clever little beams of verbal light. On the flip side, some profiles wallow in anger and irony; sarcasm and pity. Sometimes it feels like I am supposed to hide my real feelings. When someone asks “how you are doing?” do they really want to know? Don't get me wrong, I understand I shouldn't pour out my heart to the grocery cashier, but often I can't find anyone who has a genuine moment to acknowledge my pain or frustration.

Not getting emotional in either direction is stoicism. Over the course of my life's journey, which began without learning healthy processes for emotions, thereby leading to some passionate swings from repression to aggression, I can tell you that I have put a lot of observation and thought into emotions and how they manifest. I notice how others deal with them and I think about what I can change. I ask people, often to their dismay, penetrating questions that stir up emotions and I have yelled, cried and laughed at my own attempts to manage my own strong feelings. It can be a lonely process. One theme that recurs in my mind is that all this effort is counterproductive.

I don't believe that stoicism is a valuable objective. It is close to repressing feelings and it leaves the other person or people around you out in the cold. I don't believe that stoicism is the best goal.

My opinion? We need more empathy. Not more ignoring or blank stares; not more stoicism.

Flatliners, I call them. People who have developed responses to happy, sad, and angry that all look pretty similar. The goal is to keep emotions in therapy, take a pill to help moderate the mood, and flatten out. I honestly can't see the benefit.

Does that mean I think we should all run around screaming and crying at will? No. But there's an engaged and authentic space in the middle that we are overlooking.

Does that mean that I think people who have reached a calm centered approach are wrong? Not at all. I am referring to the majority of apparent stoics who simply present a blank stare and do not give true caring to their fellow humans. This is different from a genuinely centered unflappability.

Yes, I agree that you can't mash the universe and, more specifically, your neighbor, into doing what you want the way you want it all the time. That said, have you spent more than 30 minutes on the phone with a customer service representative that either gave you the wrong information or simply wasted your time? Have you had a bank mischarge you and then have to fight for your own? Once it was only $2, but it required a debate to resolve. And guess what? The same thing happened to two other people that I know, which means it probably happened to two thousand. How many of those people decided “eh, I'll adjust my attitude,” instead of “Hey, that's mine,” I wonder? When you see someone complain to a cashier or a receptionist, do you automatically think they should be more positive and stay quiet?

My point is that we lose something in brushing off all perceived negativity without consideration. We lose a little of our humanity, which should include a collective understanding. As social animals, I believe we have access to empathy for a reason.

Yes, we should try to understand each other better, even if that is inconvenient. We should try harder to empathize. Then we won't think “Argh, why is that person taking so long at the cashier?” Instead, we might think “I've got time, no big deal,” as stoics, which is not detrimental, but what if we thought “What is that person dealing with today?” In that case, we might smile at them instead of huff and puff, or ignore; we might even reach out to that person with support.

What are we giving up if we sacrifice our emotions? Everything that makes us human.

Teaching people to have fewer strong emotions is telling them to repress their feelings. It is not the same as teaching people how to have a healthy response to their emotions. Furthermore, it's easier to control people who are constantly adjusting to deal with whatever is being dished out. And it's easier to push misinformation or bad service. Desensitization requires this deadening of feeling.

Say NO to stoicism. Please. Let's embrace the pain and suffering as well as the joy, love, excitement, fear. It's the only genuine way through.